We all want to be happy and positive, right? After all, happiness is good for our health, relationships, and success. But what if we told you that there is such a thing as too much positivity? That forcing yourself or others to be happy all the time can be harmful and counterproductive? That’s what toxic positivity is, and it’s a growing problem in our society.

What is toxic positivity?

Toxic positivity is the belief that we should always have a positive outlook, no matter how difficult or painful our situation is. It is the unrealistic idea that acting more positive and happy will make us feel better. But in reality, it’s a way of shutting down our very real and human feelings and can often make us feel worse.

Some examples of toxic positivity are:

• Telling someone who is grieving to “look on the bright side” or “everything happens for a reason”
• Saying “happiness is a choice” or “just stay positive” to someone who is depressed or anxious
• Ignoring or dismissing your own or others’ negative emotions and pretending to be fine
• Feeling guilty or ashamed for not being happy enough or for having negative thoughts
• Judging or criticizing others for expressing their emotions or for not being optimistic enough

Why is toxic positivity harmful?

Toxic positivity can have negative effects on our mental and physical health, as well as our relationships and performance. Some of the risks and dangers of toxic positivity are:

• It prevents us from processing and healthily coping with our emotions. Emotions are natural and normal, and they serve a purpose. They help us understand ourselves and our environment, communicate with others, and motivate us to take action. By denying or suppressing our emotions, we are not allowing ourselves to heal, grow, and learn from our experiences.
• It creates a cycle of avoidance and repression. When we avoid facing our emotions, we are not solving the underlying problems or addressing the root causes. Instead, we are creating more stress and anxiety, which can lead to more negative emotions. This can create a vicious cycle of emotional distress and dysfunction.
• It damages our self-esteem and authenticity. When we feel pressured to be positive and happy all the time, we are not being true to ourselves and our feelings. We are also setting unrealistic and unattainable standards for ourselves and others. This can erode our self-confidence and self-worth, and make us feel isolated and disconnected from others.
• It reduces our empathy and compassion. When we dismiss or invalidate others’ emotions, we are not showing them respect and understanding. We are also sending the message that their feelings are not important or valid and that they should just get over it. This can hurt our relationships and make others feel unsupported and alone.

How to avoid toxic positivity?

Toxic positivity is not the same as optimism or positive thinking. Optimism is the belief that things will work out well in the future, while positive thinking is the practice of focusing on the good aspects of a situation. Both of these can be beneficial, as long as they are realistic and balanced.

To avoid toxic positivity, we need to embrace a more nuanced and holistic approach to our emotions and well-being. Here are some tips on how to do that:

• Acknowledge and accept your emotions. Don’t judge or criticize yourself or others for feeling what you feel. Remember that emotions are not good or bad, they are just information. Try to understand what your emotions are telling you and what you need to do about them.
• Express your emotions in healthy ways. Find a safe and constructive outlet for your emotions, such as talking to a trusted friend, writing in a journal, or engaging in a creative activity. Don’t bottle up or hide your emotions, but don’t let them overwhelm you either. Seek professional help if you need it.
• Practice gratitude and appreciation. Instead of forcing yourself to be positive, try to appreciate what you have and what you have achieved. Be grateful for the people and things that bring you joy and meaning. This can help you cultivate more authentic and sustainable happiness.
• Be supportive and empathetic. When someone is going through a hard time, don’t dismiss or minimize their feelings. Listen to them with compassion and respect, and offer them comfort and encouragement. Don’t try to fix their problems or tell them what to do, unless they ask for your advice. Just be there for them and let them know that they are not alone.

How to spot toxic positivity?

Toxic positivity can be hard to recognize, especially if we are used to hearing or saying positive phrases without thinking about their impact. Here are some signs that can help us identify toxic positivity:

• It denies or minimizes the reality of the situation. Toxic positivity often ignores or downplays the seriousness or complexity of the issue. It may use clichés or slogans that oversimplify or trivialize the problem. For example, saying “It could be worse” or “Everything will be fine” to someone who is facing a life-threatening illness or a traumatic event.
• It invalidates or shames the emotions of the person. Toxic positivity often makes the person feel like their emotions are wrong or inappropriate. It may use guilt or blame to make the person feel bad for not being positive enough. For example, saying “Don’t be so negative” or “You’re bringing everyone down” to someone who is expressing their sadness or anger.
• It offers unsolicited or unrealistic advice. Toxic positivity often tries to solve the problem without understanding or respecting the person’s needs or preferences. It may offer suggestions or solutions that are not feasible or helpful. For example, saying “Just cheer up” or “Just do something” to someone who is struggling with depression or anxiety.

How to respond to toxic positivity?

If we encounter toxic positivity from others, we can try to respond in a way that protects our emotional well-being and communicates our boundaries. Here are some possible ways to respond to toxic positivity:

• Be assertive and honest. We can express our feelings and opinions without being aggressive or defensive. We can use “I” statements to describe how we feel and what we need. For example, we can say “I appreciate your concern, but I don’t feel like being positive right now. I need some space to process my emotions.”
• Be respectful and empathetic. We can acknowledge the other person’s perspective and intention, even if we don’t agree with them. We can try to understand where they are coming from and why they are saying what they are saying. For example, we can say “I know you are trying to help, but your words are not helpful. They make me feel like you don’t understand or care about what I’m going through.”
• Be informative and educational. We can explain why toxic positivity is harmful and how it affects us. We can also suggest alternative ways of supporting us or coping with the situation. For example, we can say “Toxic positivity is not healthy or helpful. It makes me feel worse and prevents me from healing. What I need is your listening and empathy, not your advice or judgment.”

Conclusion

Toxic positivity is the dark side of happiness. It is the excessive and unrealistic pursuit of positivity that can harm our mental and physical health, as well as our relationships and performance. To avoid toxic positivity, we need to embrace a more balanced and realistic approach to our emotions and well-being. We need to acknowledge and accept our emotions, express them in healthy ways, practice gratitude and appreciation, and be supportive and empathetic. By doing so, we can achieve more genuine and lasting happiness.

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